A contradiction

IMG_7807I want to be cold but I want to be hot.
I want to be rich but I want to be poor.
I want to be full but I want to be empty.
I want to have grand expectations in every situation but I want to let things be.
I want to have more than I could ever need but I want to know how to do without, to forage for survival.
I want to push myself until I can’t take anymore but I want to let go until I am lost even to myself.
I want to be amidst a vast mountain range watching the snow fall from a starry sky but I want to be surrounded by the buzz and colour and thrills of a city or cycling in the dusty streets of a third world village.
I want a calendar full of plans to go to incredible places but wide open spaces of time to spontaneously meander through the world.
I want to feel raw suffering and exquisite joy.
I want to drown in debauchery and cleanse myself with strong will and fresh water.
I want a stiff breeze and silky piercing rain.
I want to be deep in the ground to see where life originates but I want to be high up with the clouds to have a grander view of what life can become.
I want to sleep through the day and lie awake in the small hours of the night.
I want to carry life within me but I want to appreciate it from outside my grasp.
I want to own beautiful things and pass beautiful things on by without needing to own them.
I want to love another person until it leaves me hollow but I want to create more love than I’d ever imagined.
I want to be hateful and ugly, wretched and sour so that I recognize sweetness and beauty and choose that instead.
I want to bang my fists against the wall until they’re raw and bloody, to stay in the fight but I want to turn my heel and walk gracefully away from those things that don’t matter or that I can’t control.
I want to walk a mile in fancy shoes to find out I’d rather be barefoot.
I want to fly the plane and land it safely or die trying, either way I want to fly it.
I want to be something every single minute I’m alive so no time is ever wasted wondering why I’m here.

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